These extraterrestrial quadrupeds have been playing us for fools. And the Democrat Party has let them get away with it for far too long, without so much as a “Sit! Heel! Beg!”
Unkempt beings with odorous bodies and openly carried genitals have seduced our nation into contravening everything Today’s Republican Party kneels for — I mean stands for. Whatever. Don’t fact-check me.
Dogs believe that love is greater than hate. Today’s Republican Party denies it: We know that hate overpowers love.
Don’t believe me? Look at the campaign ads. Look at what pops up on your screen every time you open your cookie-crammed computer.
I am qualified to speak on this, for I have had dogs since I was a wee shaver. I cohabit with two handsome mutts e’en as we speak. (See photo.) Every morning as the sun rises these aliens walk me among others of their kind, for two, yeay, unto three miles. Let me tell you what I have found.
Primero: Unlike far too many humans today, dogs will not accept shit at first glance. No, presented with shit — and I have seen this — a dog will check it out, investigate it, put it to the smell test, and only then will the dog accept or reject it.
My fellow Americans: Is this right? Is it noble? Is it true? No, a good dog, a Republican dog, will accept any shit thrown at it, so long as the big guy said it.
Am I right or am I right? (Your choice.)
Segundo: Dogs, if habituated, may actually like cats. I have seen this. Is this not a perversion of nature? An inversion of everything we have been taught to believe? No, Today’s Republican Party believes we have to keep this imaginary hatred alive, to stoke it, and invoke it, and stroke it, because … umm … because that’s … umm … that’s … how it is now. The big guy doesn’t like dogs.
Tercero: Dogs speak a foreign language. And they come here by the millions from other countries, many of which are foreign! Great Danes, Pekingese, Afghan hounds, Labrador retrievers, Chihuahuas, Belgian Malinois, Akitas, Shiba Inus, Margot Robbies …
(Wait … the royal We have been informed that Margot Robbie, from Australia, is allegedly a human. OK, fine. But does that make it right that I’ve never seen anyone like her? That it is legal to unleash her upon our shores? And the spaces in between? Even unto Iowa? I don’t think so.)
The Royal Republican National Committee don’t think so neither.
So what shall we do about this invasion of alien quadrupeds with sharp teeth and a taste for raw flesh? What shall a patriotic American do when a so-called “dog,” a so-called “pet,” flops over on his or her, or perhaps we should say “its” back, and spreads its legs, as if asking for a belly rub?
Shall we rub the alien’s furry belly, diverting our gaze from its obscene genitals, or shall we report its behavior, its very being, to the proper authorities?
Or should we gaze upon genitals, and focus the Party’s eyes upon them, and try to make something out of it?
And why is the liberal Democrat Party refusing to fund the police authorities, starving them of funding, so that in many Republican neighborhoods, there are no authorities to whom we can report these naked dogs?
What do you expect a loyal Republican to do today, Democrat Party: Round up these dogs ourselves? Or hire someone else to imprison and kill them.